Gabbles of A Spastic Cynic
A Bit of a Challenge...:
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October 29th, 2007

A Bit of a Challenge... @ 07:54 pm

...that everyone can play with.

Here's the thing. I like collecting quotes, whether funny or profound, although I tend to collect more humour than philosophy. Below the cut are three of my favourites (and believe me, it was hard to pick just three), all humour, all ones that endangered my monitor.

What are yours? The only 'rules' I have are that they be from the Harry Potter-verse, that they be one quote, not a 'conversation', if you will, and that you let us know from what story and author it's taken. I don't care about pairing, or if it's out of context; most of us have already read a bunch of the stories, so I'm thinking we might already know, or it might be an excuse to find new ones. What I'm interested in is what made you laugh, or made you tear-up, or say every author's dream, "Wow!"

ETA: You might want to read the comments as well because there's some doozies in them and I'm adding more as people respond.


Snape to Hermione:
"And there I was thinking television was pointless. If I’d known they showed displays of monkey-fucking then I would have invested in one." Objects of Desire by Azreal

Snape to Harry:
'Would the Gryffindor golden boy be so kind as to fuck the Head of Slytherin into next week, please?' Care of Magical Teenagers by Barbarella

Snape to Harry:
"Mmm, yes, sodomizing the boy who lived into unconsciousness. I'll be most popular one in the playground," he grumbled, eyelids slowly lowering. Pledges by Amireal

So, what's yours?

 
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Comments

 
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[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]aliciajd
Date: October 30th, 2007 06:46 am (UTC)
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Two quotes from Aucta Sinistra - Quid Pro Quo. They are both together, so I guess they might be called a conversation, but...


"Ah." Snape glanced up when the door opened, rose from his desk. "Mr. Potter. So good to see you."
Harry stopped. "Sorry ... wrong office."


"Get in here." Snape swooped toward him. "I need your blood."
That explains it. Harry advanced nervously. "I’m using it."
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 07:27 am (UTC)
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Nah, it counts as two and I remember them--soooo good, just like the rest of the story. Thanks! You think of any more, bring 'em on!
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From:[info]elfwreck
Date: October 30th, 2007 06:53 am (UTC)
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These are three that linger in my mind.

Snape to Harry:
"Kindness isn't even a normal component in my affairs.", (Tira Nog, Growing Pains)

Snape to Harry:
"I doubt that mutual fellatio is quite what he had in mind." (Gatewaygirl, Finder's Fee)

Sirius to Snape:
"I'll just go have myself a nice slice of vituperative self-righteousness. With a piquant sauce, too. Should that be a truffle sauce, do you think, or-oh, never mind." (Fabularasa, Repechage)
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 07:29 am (UTC)
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You know, taking them out of context somehow makes them funnier. These are wonderful! Thank you and if you should think of more...
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From:[info]elfwreck
Date: October 30th, 2007 05:45 pm (UTC)
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I've got more (or can find more), but it should wait until I'm at home. (Should not go dredging through slash links at work, nope nope nope.)

I do remember one that I keep in my PDA--

Harry to Snape, referring to himself:
"You've already had a straight husband. And your second will be straight as well. You are quite good at putting up with straight people in your bed." (My Man Friday by enahma)
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 07:31 pm (UTC)
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No, trolling for fanon quotes at work is severely frowned upon by the management. I'm always looking for more, though, so have at it.

Here's another one of mine:
Dear gods, teenaged manboy squirming in his lap! The Boy Who lived a Bit by Barbarella My, that's a visual...
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From:[info]daughter_moon
Date: October 30th, 2007 10:07 am (UTC)
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"The opinion among the seventh-year Gryffindors is somewhat divided, but do you think that Professor Dumbledore had, or still has, a sex life? And, in the case of an affirmative answer, what then does he do with his beard?" Pretty Little Drawings by Lychee

F: Filch. (name) Caretaker of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. Master of BDSM. Cat expert. Nuff said. A Harry Potter Fanfic Alphabet by Rakina

What the hell did you think would happen, Potter? Harry asked himself severely. That he’d suddenly be overcome with the urge to snog a pair of trousers? Maybe rub up against them a bit? Harry’s fabric tingled all over just thinking about it. Wears the Trousers by AbstractConcept

There are some very funny fandom moments out there :D




[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 07:27 pm (UTC)
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Oh, I'd forgot about Wears the Trousers. *giggles* Thank you.

Here's another one:
Snape thinking to himself:
Then again, what had Snape's own options been when he was that age? Death Eaters? Voldemort? "Excuse me, my Dark Lord, but how do I get girls to like me?" The Boy Who Lived A Bit, by Barbarella
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From:[info]stellamoon
Date: October 30th, 2007 11:39 am (UTC)
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That's an easy question. Here's my all time favorite:

He raised the knife, cast Harry a cool and challenging look. "If I were stroking you, you would know it." Quid Pro Quo by Aucta Sinistra
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 07:37 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! Quid Pro Quo is one of my favorites for one-liners like that.

The Boy Who lived a Bit and all the subsequent stories has hundreds. Here's another:

Or maybe, and here was an unsettling thought, maybe it was just Snape. God, what if he was Snapesexual?
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From:[info]aseneth
Date: October 31st, 2007 03:53 am (UTC)
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Mmm... I could do Snapesexual...

*lurks back under rock*
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 1st, 2007 08:56 pm (UTC)
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*G* That makes two of us!

And another, just for you:
Snape uncrossed his arms and put one around Harry's shoulders, pulling him into his side. "If ever a woman should come along who is a greater temptation than you, Mister Potter, I shall give up potions brewing and become a children's party entertainer."
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From:[info]bronze_ribbons
Date: October 30th, 2007 09:48 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Harry to Snape:

"I'm going to catch her in cat form and shave 'Filch is a Sex God!' into her fur!"

- chazpure, Bound and Determined
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 10:00 pm (UTC)
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I think I need a monitor alert thingie, or something. Thanks!

Here's another (From The Boy Who Lived a Bit):
Snape thinking to himself:
Wonderful influence you're having on the boy, Severus. In less than forty hours you've got him swearing, drinking, sucking cock, and taking it up the arse. Excellent work. Have you ever considered working with young people?
[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]stellamoon
Date: October 31st, 2007 11:23 am (UTC)
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OH YEAH! I had forgotten about that one, but I really remember it from when I read that story!! So funny!

Now you've got me wanting to look up old favorites. This is addictive!
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 1st, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)
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Oh yes! It is. So give us more!

Again from The Boy Who Lived a Bit:
'A cock up the arse is no substitute for a bowl of porridge, Potter.'
[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]bronze_ribbons
Date: October 30th, 2007 09:53 pm (UTC)

two

 (Link)
Draco to a Muggle:

"I mean, whatever you might suppose, just because you've acquired a demonic infestation of some sort doesn't mean I'm on first-name terms with it."

A.J. Hall, The Perilous Point
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 10:03 pm (UTC)

Re: two

 (Link)
Oh, I'd forget that one, too. *snerk* Thanks!

And another from TBWLaB:
Harry to Snape upon entering his bedroom the first time...
What, no coffin? Well, there goes that theory.
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From:[info]bronze_ribbons
Date: October 30th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)

and three

 (Link)
Snape:

Gonzo was the epitome of a Crumple-Horned Snorkack! That explained everything. But how had he come to America? They were supposed to live in Sweden.

marginaliana, Severus Snape and the Muppetational Horcrux
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From:[info]igtow
Date: October 30th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC)

Re: and three

 (Link)
I can see I have some reading to do. Thanks!

And again from The Boy Who Lived a Bit:
Ron to Harry about Snape...
MY grudges?! That man can wear a grudge like a birthmark, for god's sake.
[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]sachael
Date: October 31st, 2007 05:40 am (UTC)
(Link)
Two from Calligraphy's The Fourth Year that always make me smile:

Snape blinked. "Potter. I'm beginning to consider thinking about possibly becoming concerned about you."

(and my all time favorite)

"You need a good fucking," he whispered to the puckered hole. He gave it a slow lick and felt Potter's responding whimper go straight to his cock. "Don't you? You need a nice, hard prick inside you. That's what you want."

[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]igtow
Date: November 1st, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That last one... I'd forgot about that one, but ho!

From Care of Magical Teenagers (and a bit more serious):
I love, he thought to himself, even as he was checking the time and beginning to shuffle the parchments on his desk. After all that has passed and all that I've done. I love.
[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]evanjames
Date: October 31st, 2007 05:54 pm (UTC)

I have way too many

 (Link)
I have too many favorites to list them all but here are Five for you

Voldemort to Harry: “I’m tired of having my ego stomped on, okay?” Voldemort narrowed scarlet eyes at the teen. Abandon by Batsutousai

Sirius to Harry: "Bloody hell, Harry," Sirius interrupted, throwing his hands up. "If you wanted to have sex so desperately, why didn't you come to me?" of Wolf and Man by Maeglin Yedi

Ablus Dumbledore to Telyn: "Because they deserve to suffer a little for hurting my boy like that," said Albus smugly. "Harry's like a grandson to me." Lure of the Siren by Amy aka HBNewbie

Harry writes to Voldemort: Hey, it's the last person you ever expected to hear from here. I need to talk to you about your...um.. "activities" last night. I understand that you're making up for lost time and all, but do you think you could pay more attention to your Occlumency? Especially when you're fucking my potions professor? Seriously, that was an image I never needed to see. Ever. Although, who would have thought the greasy git was so flexible? Lettered by Dysperdis

Healer Lancaster to Harry: "How could you not know? Even without proper instruction," Lancaster cast a baleful look at Pomfrey, "you should know enough to know better. This is a school for magic. You use your wand to transfigure beetles into buttons and to charm things to fly. What did you think would happen if you stuck your wand up your arse?" a Lesson on the Importance of Proper wand safety by Willian

Hope you like them

[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]igtow
Date: November 1st, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)

Re: I have way too many

 (Link)
They're all good! The last two are new to me, though. Must. Check. Them. Out.

For you from Care of Magical Teenagers:
Snape to Harry
I'm certain I never tasted as good on anyone else's tongue as I do on yours

What if he got his face in there now and found he didn't like it all that much? What on earth would be the etiquette then? Be a perfect gentleman Severus had told him. But how does a perfect gentleman say "I'm terribly sorry, my dear, but I find your twat rather repulsive -- mind if I don't?"
[User Picture Icon]
From:[info]evanjames
Date: November 2nd, 2007 05:32 am (UTC)

Re: I have way too many

 (Link)
A lesson on the importance of Proper wand safety can be found at http://inkstain.inkquill.net/isf/archive/31/alesson.html

and Lettered is at http://www.hpfandom.net/eff/viewstory.php?sid=16775

I hope you will like them both
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 2nd, 2007 10:40 pm (UTC)

Re: I have way too many

 (Link)
Thank you so much. You know my beta is going to kill me if I read them this weekend (ducks the possum)...

From Care of Magical Teenagers:
Reluctantly, he batted Harry's hand away from his groin and extricated himself from the frotting menace.
From:[info]ex_rumpelsti605
Date: November 2nd, 2007 01:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
"I need the occasional tale to keep Mrs. Norris the Second jealous. Y'know how them younger wives take a man for granted."
Filch from Most singularly repulsive man.

"The Prince of Stars and the Prince of Snakes ruled over the new, shining kingdoms together, and the Lord of Night was never seen again." Probably because this is the opposite of What happens in The Bedtime Story.

"I fucked a man tonight. He reminded me of you." Danse Russe
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 2nd, 2007 10:34 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Very cool. I'm nor familiar with the last story. Do you have a link?

For you, from Care of Magical Teenagers:
Twinkling. They all bloody twinkle at me. I am surrounded, out-numbered, out-gunned, by twinklers.

And a bit of double meaning...
Severus rolled his eyes. "I'm the Head of Slytherin, you silly boy. I'm up to everything!
From:[info]ex_rumpelsti605
Date: November 4th, 2007 06:34 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Sorry for Answering zo late. ;} Danse Russe {H/D} is here.
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 5th, 2007 05:00 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! I'm off to read and here's a little something:

From the Fourth Year by Calligryphy:
Severus speared the chicken. "I do tea, Potter. Not sympathy."

Snape remained silent. Even on his deathbed, he would never divulge the details of the Washing Machine Incident.
From:[info]ex_rumpelsti605
Date: November 5th, 2007 07:27 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Snape remained silent. Even on his deathbed, he would never divulge the details of the Washing Machine Incident.

Must. Read. Now.
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 6th, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
(Link)
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From:[info]evanjames
Date: November 2nd, 2007 06:17 am (UTC)

Another for you

 (Link)
Neville Longbottom- “Still doesn't explain how I'm going to get Trevor out of my arse.” Neville stated in the quiet. from The World Has Officially Ended and Now We Are In Hell by Lady Bahiya
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From:[info]igtow
Date: November 2nd, 2007 10:38 pm (UTC)

Re: Another for you

 (Link)
Ah, another one I've not read. Now I gotta find out if that's as sick as it sounds. *G*

From The Boy Who lived a Bit (only a couple more to go and then I move on...)
'If you don't, I'll be forced to bugger Harry rigt here in your hospital wing, Poppy. And I promise you, I shan't even bother to pull the screens around the bed first.'
From:(Anonymous)
Date: October 14th, 2008 08:26 pm (UTC)

kyelmVnxNtMjS

 (Link)
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Gabbles of A Spastic Cynic
A Bit of a Challenge...:
A Turn of the Page | Recent Entries | Archive | Friends | User Info | Previous Entry | Next Entry