While I know that a teen's defiance is a very real, physical attribute of adolescence, I sometimes think that part of it is due to how much attention we pay them, or not, or of what kind. If adolescence is the time af self-actualization and burgeoning independence, then trying to 'control' our children seems counter-productive. The 'line-of-sight' seemed to work, because she always knew I watching, but I rarely commented, whether good or bad. And I noticed something as we became more comfortable with each other (and that took about 4 years to reach). Do you remember when your daughter was little, say two or so, she would venture out a little way to see the world, but then she'd always toddle back and touch you, just to make certain you were really there? And each time, she'd go a little further? Well, that doesn't change, just the means of communication does. Not so much touching, but a lot more talking and some real validation.

For example, the child's and my biggest arguments centred around the bus. There were rules. No bus after dark by herself, home by 9:00 pm even if with friends, no trips to Waikiki without friends, call me when you change locations--no exceptions, etc. Whine, whine, whine. All my friends get to do it. If your friends were lemmings... Why don't you trust me? I trust you, it's the rest of humanity I don't trust. yada yada yada. On and on... until coming home from school one day, I think she was 15 or so, a man across the aisle pulled down his pants and started wanking for her benefit. She laughs about it now, but I think it finally dawned on her that maybe mom was right. And while I'm unhappy she had to see something like that, there's a quiet part of me grateful for a relatively safe happenstance that taught her some caution. Next time she might not be so lucky, nor have a bus driver who would stop and toss the guy off the bus on the side of the mountain in the middle of nowhere. (Although the bus drivers here are the only reason I ever felt comfortable letting her ride it in the first place.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is bracing yourself may only be an exercise unto itself if you're already talking and already paying attention. And validation goes a long way towards trust.

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